Does Childhood Trauma Cause Intimacy Issues?
For better or worse, our earliest relationships and experiences play an integral role in who we become as adults. Children are resilient and can learn to survive in even the worst situations, but early childhood experiences, especially traumatic ones, can have a lasting impact on who we are as individuals and how we relate to others.
What Is Childhood Trauma?
We all experienced difficulties when we were little, no matter how fondly we remember our childhood. But there is a difference between the usual struggles of childhood and trauma. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, more than two-thirds of children report at least one traumatic event before age 16, such as:
- Psychological, physical, or sexual abuse
- Community or school violence
- Witnessing or experiencing domestic violence
- Sexual exploitation
- Sudden or violent loss of a loved one
- War or fleeing from war
- Stressors related to having military family members
- Physical or sexual assault
- Physical or emotional neglect
- Life-threatening accident or illness
- Relational trauma
While most of us think of trauma as one big, life-changing event, it can also be a drawn-out experience of almost imperceptible “little t” traumas that accumulate over time. This accumulation of traumas is often referred to as chronic or complex trauma, and can have an even greater impact than “big T” trauma. Complex trauma in children can cause changes in brain development, neurochemistry, stress responses, and the way they see themselves and relate to others.
The key factor in trauma is how and if it is processed. Some children experience traumatic events with few lasting negative effects, while others carry it with them long into adulthood. In fact, unresolved childhood trauma is at the root of many mental health and addiction struggles, and until it is resolved, it can cripple those who suffer from it.
What Are Intimacy Issues?
Intimacy takes many forms, but in its essence, it is connection with others. The greatest potential for intimacy in adulthood is usually in romantic relationships, so it makes sense that fear of intimacy and other intimacy issues most often show up in romantic relationships.
VerywellMind.com lists common signs of fear of intimacy:
- Inability to express needs in relationships
- Poor communication or avoidance of serious topics in relationships
- Trust issues with your partner
- Unwillingness to share dreams and goals with others
- Intentional sabotaging of relationships
- Avoidance of physical contact with others
- Not being adventurous or spontaneous in the bedroom
- Low self-esteem
- Trouble forming or committing to close relationships
When left unaddressed, these issues can lead to intimacy disorders, like the following:
- Sex addiction
- Pornography addiction
- Internet sex addiction
- Love or relationship addiction
- Sexual compulsivity
- Sexual anorexia
- Attachment disorders
It can be difficult to know how to deal with problems with intimacy in a relationship. While addressing the symptoms may help, getting to the root of the symptoms is the only way to truly heal.
Problems with intimacy often stem from early childhood experiences, and intimacy issues are one of the major symptoms of childhood trauma in adulthood.
How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect Intimacy
Problems with intimacy often stem from early childhood experiences, and intimacy issues are one of the major symptoms of childhood trauma in adulthood. Below are three ways early experiences can impact relationships:
1. Relational Trauma and Attachment Theory
Our early experiences shape the way we see the world, and our early relationships shape the way we approach relationships into adulthood. Attachment theory posits that we are born with a need to bond emotionally with our caregivers, and the presence or absence of those early bonds determines the way we enter into relationships for the rest of our lives.
Attachment figures who are available, sensitive, and responsive to a child’s needs promote secure attachment and positive views of self and others, which typically leads to healthy relationships in adulthood. Relational trauma, usually the result of abuse, neglect, or enmeshment (lack of boundaries between family members) between a child and their caregiver, can wreak havoc on attachment. Relational trauma negatively impacts a child’s self-image, identity, and self-esteem, which in turn impacts the way they relate to others.
A Child Abuse & Neglect journal study found the following connections between childhood relational trauma and insecure attachment styles:
- Childhood neglect and physical abuse were correlated with anxious attachment style in adulthood, characterized by fear and uncertainty that a partner will be present and available in times of need.
- Neglect also predicted avoidant attachment, characterized by distrust of a partner and the need to maintain independence, self-reliance, and emotional distance.
- Both attachment styles predicted higher levels of anxiety and depression and lower levels of self-esteem.
2. Childhood Trauma and Communication Styles
Childhood trauma can also affect communication in relationships. If you witnessed a lot of yelling when you were a child, you may default to yelling in your adult relationships. Conversely, you may be triggered by even the hint of yelling, shutting down whenever your partner raises their voice.
If you learned as a child that expressing your needs wasn’t safe, you may struggle to express your needs as an adult or be threatened by your partner’s communication of their needs. Emotional regulation might also be difficult, leading to unnecessary arguments on the one hand, or avoidance of anything that might turn into an argument on the other hand.
If you learned as a child that expressing your needs wasn’t safe, you may struggle to express your needs as an adult or be threatened by your partner’s communication of their needs.
3. Sexual Abuse and Intimacy Disorders
It should come as no surprise that childhood sexual abuse has profound effects on sexual intimacy in adulthood. Many studies, including one in Current Addiction Reports, have found connections between childhood sexual abuse and compulsive sexual behavior, as well as other sexual disorders.
But according to a study published in the Journal of Family Violence, childhood sexual abuse negatively impacts all aspects of intimacy, including attachment, emotional regulation, body shame, disrupted body boundaries, and discomfort with physical closeness. It also significantly increases the risk of interpersonal relationship issues like divorce and family problems.
How to Overcome Fear of Intimacy
Fortunately, addressing unresolved childhood trauma and making changes in your relationships can lead to healthier interactions and lessen your fear of intimacy over time. Here are a few steps you can take to start improving your intimacy issues:
- Acknowledge Your Fear – Start by being honest with yourself and your partner about your fear of intimacy. You’ll be surprised at the freedom that comes from sharing your struggle.
- Engage Your Story – Once you’ve acknowledged your fear, it’s time to go back and look at where it comes from. Whether you decide to tell your partner your story of trauma is up to you, but you must start to engage with your past to begin the healing process.
- Communicate – Scary? Yes. Helpful? Extremely. Practice communicating with your partner in low stress situations to prove to your inner child that communication can be safe and positive. If that feels too scary, start by writing in a journal.
- Practice Self-Care – This may feel just as scary as communicating your needs if you grew up in an abusive or neglectful environment. But learning to take care of yourself first will actually benefit your relationships with others.
- Get Professional Help – The best way to engage and heal from your childhood trauma is with a licensed professional who can walk with you through the process and give you the tools you need to fully heal.
Conquer Your Intimacy Issues at The Meadows OUTPATIENT CENTER
If you’re struggling with intimacy issues because of unresolved childhood trauma, The Meadows Outpatient Center provides the same level of clinical excellence and integrity as our inpatient programs, but with outpatient flexibility. With both in-person and virtual options, we remove barriers to treatment so that you can access the care you need. Our trauma-informed care model will help you address your childhood trauma and any lasting relational, emotional, or mental issues that stem from it.
In order to find healing, unhealthy patterns must be broken, and new patterns must be created so you can have functional, healthy relationships with others. We are here to help you begin breaking old patterns and teach you how to create new ones. Contact us today to start your journey to healing.
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