The Importance of Addressing Women’s Intimacy Issues

Written by: Christa Banister

While rom-coms and Hallmark movies are welcome slices of rosy escapism from time to time, it doesn’t take long to realize how the storylines conveniently gloss over the complexities and potential intimacy issues involved with being in a healthy relationship.

When the couple we’re rooting for is playfully heaving snowballs at each other while planning the local fundraiser to ensure a historic building doesn’t become a Starbucks, there’s never any doubt the two attractive leads will live happily ever after, right?

If anything, it’s considered a given, even if they’ve never bothered to discuss past hurts, painful breakups, intimacy issues, or what makes for a true, lasting emotional connection.

Of course, real, messy, warts-and-all life outside the protected confines of meet-cutes, first kisses, and Instagram-friendly dates, is another story. What happens if the couple in question endures a nasty breakup? What if unaddressed intimacy issues cause someone to become clingy, even when her partner has demonstrated red-flag behavior? What is it about romantic relationships that lead so many women to let down their guard?

How Emotional Connection is Wired

It’s been shown that talking about the grief associated with a failed relationship and working toward peace and closure — rather than sinking into despair — can be healthier for the brain and its self-wiring.

Research suggests that our brain circuitry plays a larger role than we may have considered in emotional connection. According to studies shared on LiveScience, there’s biological proof for why it’s difficult moving on from your lost love. For example, when men and women were shown pictures of their exes, the region of the brain responsible for feelings of attachment, control of emotions, physical pain and distress, and addiction cravings was activated.

This discovery may explain why, in some cases, people will resort to more extreme behaviors, including stalking, self-harm, and even homicide after a relationship ends. Some professionals even liken romantic love to an addiction. When things are going well, it’s wonderful and consuming in the best way. But when it’s not, it can be as difficult to kick as any other addiction. This is a situation where a support group can be an integral part of the healing process.

It’s been shown that talking about the grief associated with a failed relationship and working toward peace and closure — rather than sinking into despair — can be healthier for the brain and its self-wiring.

Relationships That Are Set Up to Fail

Losing the one we love is, hands down, one of the most emotionally taxing and difficult parts of the human experience. And for some, it causes a very specific anxiety that makes the idea of a lost or ended relationship particularly harrowing.

Whether wittingly or unwittingly, those who struggle with abandonment issues live in such fear of losing someone that they can behave in a way that actually pushes people to leave. According to Healthline.com, this phenomenon is a self-protective mechanism that provides an element of control. They aren’t surprised by the loss when it happens because they helped to orchestrate it.

While guarding your heart can be a good thing, as you don’t want to give it too freely or quickly to someone undeserving, not having a clear understanding of abandonment issues can negatively impact relationships in many ways. Some examples include:

• Inhibiting the development of healthy bonds
• Sabotaging promising connections before they can grow by behaving irrationally
• Leapfrogging from person-to-person, making shallow connections the norm
• Becoming needy and requiring constant reassurance from your partner
• Staying in a bad relationship to avoid being alone or having to start over
• Codependency

Fear and Self-Perception’s Impact on Intimacy

A fear of intimacy — and the negative attitudes that often result — can be real relationship killers long before two people meet, according to findings in PsychAlive.

This subconscious fear of closeness can be attributed to a number of causes. Maybe it’s not trusting the entire institution because of something that happened to you, a friend, or a close family member. Or maybe you find the dream of a relationship is sufficient because the pain of rejection never factors into the equation. For many, it cycles back to how we feel about ourselves. If you lack worth in your own eyes, how can your partner possibly feel differently?

Whatever is perceived as unworthy, unlovable, or unacceptable about someone as far back as childhood plays a big role in the health of future relationships.

Whatever is perceived as unworthy, unlovable, or unacceptable about someone as far back as childhood plays a big role in the health of future relationships. To compensate for these negative feelings, many will find ways to not fully invest, including:

• Pushing aside compliments or affection that contrasts with personal beliefs
• Withholding affection and/or losing interest in sexuality
• Feeling guarded in what you share with your partner
• Accusing your partner of being interested in someone else with no proof
• Becoming overly critical of your partner

Experts in the field suggest that intimacy skills are an early need in normal female development. While men are often encouraged to find themselves early in life, women often have to wait until later to “find themselves.” Which is exactly why addressing women’s intimacy issues has never been more important or timely.

Are you struggling to maintain healthy relationships and strong emotional connection because of past trauma, a fear of abandonment, or fear of intimacy? Help is available at The Meadows Outpatient Center. Guided by our team of licensed relationship experts, we can help with convenient, specialized treatment with our women’s intimacy groups in a number of locations.

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